~Arrzy

I only know some of you who clicked that little watch button, and I know only a handful of you personally.

This post is an apology.

I can play the jester and I can fake a smile and for the rest of the world I'm just Arrzy that spaz who never shuts up.

This post is to everyone who had the misfortune of knowing me otherwise.

I haven't really been in a good way mentally for a couple of months now. My moods are hectic, never seeming to stay long except for those pathetic hours spent hating and being angry and scared and sad and moving in a constant circle.

I'm getting trapped and its all because I don't respect myself enough to take charge of my identity.

I'm trying so hard to keep people happy, like my friends,my work, my family, oh god most defiantly my family.

The point I'm trying to make here is that I'm not a happy person. But I want to change.
I want to change because it's killing those i love the most and all I really have to look forward waking up for every morning is them.

I'm going to change, hell, evolve even. I need to be stronger, better. I need to stop crying. I need to start thinking. I need to be so much better that what I am. Here is a list of what I need to achieve.

-No more hating myself.
There is worst people out there who don't deserve the love they are given. Two people I love very much told me I wasn't a bad person and I deserved more. No matter what I thought of myself, they said I was deserving of love, hope and worth.

i'm worthy and I have a beautiful soul, they helped me see that.

-Train my body and my mind.
I want to look in the mirror and be happy with what I see. I've gained some weight but i want to be fit for summer.

-Learn to say No.
Two very close friends told me I was pretty much a doormat. They're totally right. I have to learn to stand up for myself.

-Learn to let go of the past.
I've done and am planning to do things I'm not proud of. I've got this one last thing to take care of and then I have to let go. The past is only a memory, and scars of it can just be healled skin or red raw wounds depending on how you see your own past.
I'm going to let go of what I have done and what others have done to me.

I'm going to be a better person.

To my friends:
I love you and I'm sorry for anything I've ever put you through.

To Randoms:
Ignore the emo-ness and I'll give you pocky


-Arrzy